Conversations With George

 Some like to think that I sit by my window in my Essex suburban home waiting for prince charming to rev up outside in a white Ford Escort. A few would like to imagine that I go home most evenings, watch Bridget Jones Diary and start a new diet. Then a very small minority of people think that I live a wild life of escapades and hang out in cocktail bars with men in suits. Others just think I’m lonely, lost and unlovable.

Take George (a friend) who owns an IT company. George lives in London, aged thirty three and makes no apology for his high income to the ladies he meets. 

“Your problem is you don’t advertise yourself enough. On these dating websites you have to think of yourself like a product” George stated. 

“What you want me to write? One previous owner and in good condition on the ‘About Me’ part” I replied.

“What else you going to write, about how you go to the cinema on your jack and belong to a union” He sarcastically blurted back at me.

“What’s wrong with that?” I questioned.

“I don't believe in unions for a start” He announced.

“What were you a mill or factory owner in a past life? I hope you get gout from your diet of fillet steak” I answered and rolled my eyes. George looked at me. If I was a product at this point he would of picked up his phone and demanded to speak to the complaints department about my behaviour. 

"Oh and what are you going to put on your profile? How your constantly chasing after cars, pink suits and buying hyped up toot you don't need?" I added. 

Like my appetite, my conversation with George had turned sour. I didn't see why I had to meet other peoples expectations of what it means to be a single woman. There would be no drinking of red wine, no sad films, no new diets and no creating a CV to sell oneself to potential dates. Only me, my kindle and a blank canvas. 

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Leaving the Circus!

‘Not my circus, not my monkeys’ is a famous Polish Proverb that a good friend once told me.  

Some say that not all who wander are lost; I believe that statement to be true. I remember many occasions after my breakup being the only girl at the BBQ that didn't have a boyfriend and that lived at home. I had felt like a gypsy, gathering up my belongings and moving back home (never quite feeling settled). What had happened to my dream of a house with a white picket fence?

Furthermore like a travelling one man band, my ex would after chase after me every couple of weeks with pleas and long winded stories of how he had changed. I would visualise his words as if they were candy floss, because like candy floss his promises would at first appear solid and sweet then dissolve into thin air.

I had left the circus and the repetitive cycle of lies, manipulation and fantasy. I had moved out of our modern show room apartment with its colour coordinated insides and instead I had chosen a life that was mine, where I was free.

I was no longer obliged to believe him anymore or feel sorry for him for that matter.

It wasn't easy; of course there were times when I wanted to return, but something kept me moving. I believed that I deserved better.

Reflecting on my past has made me come to realise that we have two trails of thought that guide us through making decisions. One trail of thought is emotional. When we are emotional we take risks, show our passion and often speak without caution. The other trail of thought is logical. When we try to use a sense of logic when making decisions, we reflect, calculate and weigh up the situation. 

When I decided not to return to my ex, it was a logical decision and one that would define my future.

Upon breaking out of the circus, I came to realise the importance of making logical decisions and not just living life through my emotions. I remember feeling enslaved by my ex's every word, waiting for him to break out of one of his moods or longing for his praise. I was there for him, not for me. Love no longer kept me there, only the illusion of security. 

The Art of Honesty

So…after a string of unsuccessful dates, I find myself pondering over the reasons why they didn't work out. Going on dates with people can be like an awkward interview, especially when you are a part of the world of online dating.

Example:

1.       Someone looks at your profile like they look at your CV

2.       They phone you up and ask you questions – they e-mail you and ask you questions

3.       You arrange an interview date – you arrange a date

4.       Maybe you get into the second round – maybe your get to a second date

5.       You wait for a call/message saying whether you have been unsuccessful or successful

Truth is, when a date doesn't work out it’s easy to say things like; ‘they must have been intimidated by my job, qualifications or personality’. When the reality the likely reason a date doesn't become successful is because they wasn’t enough chemistry, the person flaked out, there were other deeper issues that were not discussed.

A small fortune has been made through people publishing self-help books on love and dating. When in reality if we stopped over analysing the situation we would probably discover our answer…’his just not that into you’, ‘she didn’t apprentice the fact that you wanted to start a cult’ or  ‘you came across as being a bit up yourself’.

The whole situation reminds me of a trip I once made to the doctor. I had to go on some medication and I asked the doctor whether it would affect my appetite. The doctor told me “if it makes you want to eat more, just don’t put the food in your mouth”. Now some people would think that the doctor was being rude, but I appreciate the basic facts. You don’t need to meditate to weight loss CD, you don’t need to read every book that has ever been published about dating trying to discover the reason he didn’t call you back.  

I am the kind of person that needs people to speak Layman’s terms. I don’t own a crystal ball, plus I’m superstitious so I don’t mess with anything like that.

Nothing is wrong with the truth. Honesty is an art. It takes someone who is tactful, brave and reflective to say it! 

City Lights and Independent Girls at Night

Back in 2010, I pursued a love affair with a city. I left London for the city that never sleeps…New York. I was young, excitable and practically nocturnal (due to all my university deadlines).

I had fallen out of love with London and everything it represented to me. You see, I was the first in my family tree to pursue an honours degree and the expectations that fell on my shoulders had exhausted me. Life had become a repetitive cycle. one that forced me to impress, to be perfect and to suppress my personality. I had lost touch of who I really was and needed to break away from the rat race.

Stuck in an eternal dark autumn of my life, on a gloomy October day I took a flight to New York with a half empty suitcase and a plan to travel around America. Upon arriving in the city, I was struck by the harshness of New York. The city was fierce, uninviting and cold. Yet, the longer I spent there the more I fell in love with it. New York was like a new friend to me and the more I got to know New York the better acquainted I became with its characteristics.  

It was in New York, were I learnt to live with myself. Whether I was traveling on the circle line cruise around the Statue of Liberty, eating at the Olive Garden alone or on quest a to meet some Amish people in Pennsylvania...I felt liberated. Pretty soon, I had gained enough courage to take an Amtrak train to Virginia, a Greyhound Bus to Washington and a plane to Indiana.

I met a lot of people, stayed in a few interesting places and had graduated at becoming independent. I learnt that being content with your own company doesn't make you boring; it makes your company more valuable to other people. You have to learn to love yourself before you can love another, even if it takes long haul flight and a few cab rides with strangers to learn that lesson. I will always be thankful for what New York taught me, she was a fabulous teacher and remains the apple of my eye. 

Where I stayed in New York The Chelsea Lodge: 

Speed Dating

Are you the only singleton out of your friends?

Do you feel pressure to meet someone or live up to your married friends expectations on what it’s like to be single?

If so, then why not try speed dating?

I remember being in my early twenties and choking on my sarcasm when talking about people who go speed dating or try internet dating websites. Yet, there I was about to go on thirteen different dates with men that I would probably scoot away from at a bus stop.

I could go into detail about every single one of the men that were forced to sit at my table for three minutes at a time. However, hand on heart I can only remember a few of the guys for all the wrong reasons.

Take George and Toby for example, two guys in their mid to late thirties, one was a lawyer and the other worked in film. Now, all the gold diggers out there would be rubbing their hands and clearing their noses with coffee to get ready for the sweet smell of money that could be coming their way. Not me. Now if I wasn't raised with manners, I would have been checking the time on my phone and pretending to text someone. Fact is I have had more laughs with the guy that pushes the shopping trolleys at the local supermarket. Even the people who work in banks and speak in 'white noise' grab my attention more than these guys did! 

Money can buy a nice home, holidays and nice gifts. However, that is all it can do. It can’t create a real connection with someone else. Ok, well some might argue it can when shopping…but for how long?

Following this, there was a string of men that came to tell me about their ex-girlfriends and their past escapades!

“I don’t want an over bearing woman” one bloke opened a sentence with. He had a stern look on his face.

“We are all here because we have been burned in the past and I want honesty” another guy firmly told me. As he continued I listened to all his assumptions about women. I felt like I was standing in a dock being tried for witchcraft!

I don’t want to be with someone whose ex-girlfriend is the centerpiece of our relationship. Nobody should be made to pay for the mistakes that someone’s ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend did. Furthermore, if you’re still feeling resentment for an ex-partner then do not go on a crusade to torture other people over it!

Then your get the complete odd balls (the ones that either lack any form social tact or social decency). Take Mike the guy who told me he wanted to start a cult, then got all short me with me and self-righteous when I wouldn't tell him whether I ticked  him or not (I obviously didn't, but I’m not going to tell crazy that face to face).

Bottom line, I think it’s great if you meet someone you really like when speed dating. However, that never happened for me. Instead I walked away from my thirteen different dates with a greater sense of knowledge towards what I wanted from a relationship. I had met a lawyer, a guy who worked in film and several other guys. Yet none of them could hold my attention for three minutes let alone hold my heart!

Cinderella Girls in the City

 Once upon a time in world full of ‘Plenty of Fish’ and suburbs full of settled friends; girls from far and wide commuted into the city in an attempt to meet men. These girls were known as ‘Cinderella girls’ by native London speed daters. They came wearing conservative evening dresses and had the National Rail App installed on their phones. I had just been labelled as one of them!

The term ‘Cinderella Girl’ was first introduced to me by a frequent speed dater called Matthew. Matthew was thirty-three, eccentric and a hopeless romantic that believe in the power of speed dating (not my type).  He explained to me how girls from far and wide (meaning girls from Essex, Reading and Surrey) commute into the city in the pursuit of meeting men. He called these girls ‘Cinderella girls’. As just like Cinderella having to get in her pumpkin to go home before midnight, these girls rush to get the last train home from London.

“Now I don't date any girls from outside of zones 1-3 in London…too much heartbreak” Matthew abruptly told me.

Then I got thinking…what is so good about guys from the city?

Do girls assume they earn more, work in the stock market and live a glamorous lifestyle in the concrete jungle?

I got talking to a fellow ‘Cinderella girl’ from Surrey (met her at a speed dating event in London).

“So what brings you to London for speed dating?” I enquired.

“At twenty pounds per a ticket…you're meeting a different calibre of men at the bar” she firmly replied.

I guess Cinderella didn't meet Prince Charming at her local pub…but then again it depends on what your idea of Prince Charming is in the first place.

Nothing wrong with a beer and burger…just saying!

Congratulations You're Single!

I am still waiting for my ‘congratulations you didn't marry the wrong guy’ card to come through the post. It’s been a few weeks now and still no cards. Instead many other things come my way, a bill, a letter from student loan, junk mail and not to mention a newsletter from the church…wait wasn't Jesus single?

My ex left me to pursue greener grass and now I am on the greener side of time. For years, I hated the idea of being single. I had life plans set in stone with an electric fence around them. Now here I am single, still the same person and shamelessly happy.

What’s the big problem?

No I'm not lonely, cynical or insecure.

Wait what’s this bubble doing around my head? 

Blue from Clare Blackman on Myspace.